Its me, remember me?
Yea I’m the one who was working hard towards a goal, then “dropped it like it’s hot”
I’m the loser who gave up on herself, when she was doing relatively well.
I’m the one who let my family down and more importantly myself by stopping my diet.
Yeah that’s me.
I’m so tired of thinking I’m not good enough.
That even if I change, I still won’t be good enough.
I’m tired of feeling depressed, of doubting myself, of feeling like I don’t belong, of being in a room full of people and thinking that everyone else must be thinking “Wow she’s really fat!” You may or may not be able to imagine how that feels. Constantly comparing yourself to everyone there and realizing, you’re the biggest person in the room. Or of being afraid to sit down because you think your gonna break the chair. Of not wanting to eat in front of people because your afraid they’ll silently judge you. That’s how I feel. Every time I am out at a party, that I how I feel. Afraid.
I’m tired of thinking that the people I love don’t love me, just because I don’t love myself. I’m tired of pushing people away. I’m tired of pushing my husband away. I still don’t get why he loves me , I really don’t. But why question it? Why can’t I just enjoy that fact that my husband loves me for me. He loves me regardless of how much I weigh. He loves me for me, and if I keep questioning it I’m just going to push him away, no matter how much he insists there’s nothing I could do that would push him away. If I keep it up, I will eventually break him, and he’ll give up on me. I have an amazing husband. I really, honestly do. He isn’t perfect, he makes mistakes, but he stays with me even though I am, needy, and emotional, and COMPLETELY INSANE! I don’t want to lose him. I want to be one of those couples you see out in their 60’s and 70’s still holding hands, still so in love.
When I started my blog, I was so proud of myself for putting myself out there. I was so proud to be doing something for myself, and I just stopped and I’m not really sure why. I guess I thought I was going to disappoint everyone, so I just said to myself “Screw it, might as well just disappoint people now” I could come up with a bunch of excuses. But I don’t really have a valid excuse for why I gave up. The only person I really disappointed by giving up was myself. If I had continued with my weight loss journey, I would probably almost be to my goal right now. But I didn’t, I gave up on myself, I hurt myself. I didn’t hurt anyone reading my blog entries. Bottom line, not everyone who reads this actually cares what happens. There are some people who are rooting against me, others who just don’t believe I can do it, and others who just want to be nosey….. There are some people rooting for me, and that is really nice of them, but in the end, they don’t matter. I matter. My health matters. My family matters.
I have spent years of my life promising myself I wouldn’t be like my dad in so many ways. It seems like I am like him more than I’d like to admit to. I am not an alcoholic. I am not addicted to drugs. But I am an addict. I’m a food addict, I honestly do believe that. I don’t just eat to survive. I eat to eat. I eat because when I do it gives me these few moments of …well happiness I guess, and I don’t want it to stop. So I eat some more. I don’t want that for myself, for my kids. I don’t want my kids to look like me. My daughter will say to me “Mommy someday I’m gonna be big like you” and I know she doesn’t mean fat like me, she means she is going to grow up and become an adult, but I can’t help but think about that when she says it. I don’t want my kids to learn my bad habits. I want my kids to be healthy and happy and confident, and to never feel the way I felt as a kid.
I want to do this for myself too. I have so many dreams. Dreams for myself. Dreams I want to make realities. I want to accomplish all of them before I leave this world but I know I will never have the courage to do so if I don’t feel better about myself. I have always felt that there is something more out there for me. That I was destined for more than the life that I’m living. I’m not sure what that is. Maybe to inspire people to follow their goals and dreams, I really don’t know, but I sure as hell want to find out.
This month money is pretty tight, but starting next month we should be all set bill wise, and I’m gonna join Weight Watchers again. I don’t want to have gastric bypass, or gastric banding, I’m not saying people shouldn’t do that, and I’m not saying it hasn’t crossed my mind to do it, because it has. I have thought about it several times. How I’m positive I qualify, and how easy it would be to lose weight after I’d have it done. But it wouldn’t solve all my problems. It would change my weight, but it wouldn’t change the reasons why I eat. It won’t help me face my emotional attachment to food. It would just be a temporary fix. I want to do it on my own and I want to feel damn proud of myself when I do. I wasn’t kidding when I said I want to be on People’s magazines half their size issue. When I get down to my goal, I will find a way on that cover.
When I started this blog I was about 350lbs. I was ashamed to tell all of you that back then. I’m now 387lbs. It really hurts me to tell you that. I can’t let myself hit the 400lb mark. If I did I honestly think I would die inside. So I’m gonna try this again, for the right reasons. Not to please anyone but myself. I’m gonna keep writing this blog but when I feel like I need to write and get stuff out. I’m not gonna feel pressured to write something every week. I’ll update you on my weight loss and if I have something to say, I’ll say it. I’m doing the blog for me, not for anyone else, but because It feels good to write my emotions down and get everything out there, and maybe I’ll inspire someone to accomplish their goal, and to follow their dream, and if I do, that’s great. But in the end it all comes down to me. I am not a selfish person. But when it comes to this, I deserve to put myself first. And starting now I am.
