I was tossing in bed Friday night because I couldn‘t sleep. I kept trying to analyze what was wrong with me. I came to the conclusion that I am sick. Not physically sick, although being overweight is unhealthy, I wouldn’t really consider it a sickness. I mean emotionally, I am sick. I think negatively all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I set goals, I don’t meet them, I’m a lazy ass. I set goals, I stick to them, I didn’t do enough. I make rules for myself, then I break them. I now realize I am setting myself up to fail. I try to think positive. It just doesn’t last. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I know what I need to do. So why is it so hard? What can I do to stop myself from sabotaging my own happiness?
I honestly believe the first thing I should do is go see my doctor. Between feeling down all the time, anxiety and stress I am driving myself crazy. Do I really want to be prescribed something to make me happy? No. I have my two beautiful children and a smart, handsome, caring husband. Shouldn’t I be happy? Yea, I should, but I’m not. Am I happy with them? Yes. The problem is I am not happy with myself. Its hard to think positively with all this negative energy I seem to have running around. I have all these thoughts running through my head telling me I will never accomplish the things I want. All these thoughts telling me I don’t deserve the things I have.
So I think first I should talk to my doctor and see if she thinks I should take anything for what I can only assume is depression. Second, when I get up every morning, I am going to tell myself these three things:
1. I am a beautiful person, both inside and out.
2. I deserve to be happy.
3. I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
Hey it can’t hurt right? The only thing I am doing is hurting myself if I don’t give it a try. The third thing I should do is remember to thank God every night for the good things I have in my life. He is, after all, the reason I have all these good things in the first place. And finally, I think I should set up some type of reward system for when I lose a certain amount of weight. For example, A girls night out for some karaoke, or a new outfit. Little incentives that will help me want to meet my goals.
So I only lost one pound this week. Not bad considering I really didn’t try, but I should be trying and to me its unacceptable. I worked out twice, but didn’t exactly eat the best things. I did stay with in my WW points. So I assume that’s why I still lost the pound. This week is going to be a little crazy because I have a bunch of things going on. I want to try to lose 3lbs for this weeks goal. If I can do that, I will be down a total of 25 pounds. So I am going to work out at least three times, make better food choices, drink lots of water, and remind myself of the three things I just told you all. I do deserve to be happy with myself. I just need to keep reminding myself that I deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Another Look Into How I Got Here.......
At an early age I learned to cope with food, and it showed. By fifth grade I was overweight. Although I didn’t really notice it until 6th grade, when someone felt the need to bring it to my attention. One day I had to walk to the nurses office because I fell and scraped my knee. A kid from my class asked me if I fell, and when I told him yes, he replied, “So that’s what that was, I though we were having an earthquake” . That was the first time I realized I was fat. I was made fun of before, but never for being fat. It made me feel horrible. I remember holding in my tears so he couldn’t see me cry.
In middle school and high school it was pretty much more of the same, being picked on for being fat. Not having lots of friends because I wasn’t “cool” enough and my clothes weren’t from Charlotte Russe, or Abercrombie and Fitch or where ever the cool kids were getting there clothes from back then. Those brands didn’t make my size. I was called fat and ugly, and that’s how I felt. I wore baggy clothes. I was shy and pretty much kept to myself for the most part. I came home and ate my feelings. I was lonely. My close friends had boyfriends and it made me desperate for anyone to like me. I liked anyone I thought could maybe like me. But who could have liked me when I had no confidence and low self esteem?
It’s pretty sad how mean people are to you in high school. They treat others badly to make themselves feel better. One day during my senior year I had asked a boy to go to prom with me. He said yes and I really was excited. Then the next day a girl told me he didn’t really want to go with me, he just felt bad for me. So I decided later that day to tell him I changed my mind I wanted to go alone. I didn’t know if what she told me was true (she could have just been jealous because she didn’t have a date to the prom), but I didn’t want to take the chance of going to the prom with someone who didn’t want to go with me. So I went alone. I enjoyed myself, but I felt bad for being the only one of my friends without a date.
I started off high school in a size 16 and graduated in a size 20. Between the stress and pressures of school, the bullying, and the overwhelming depression I felt, and the only way I knew how to make myself feel better, its no wonder why I got so big. The really sad part is, I look back at pictures of myself in high school, and wish I still looked like that. When you look back at pictures of yourself at 200-220lbs and that looks GOOD to you, that is pretty pathetic. Unfortunately its true. I would be happy to be that weight again, because it would mean I wasn’t as big as I am now. There is only one way to get there, to continue on this adventure. See you all Sunday followers.
In middle school and high school it was pretty much more of the same, being picked on for being fat. Not having lots of friends because I wasn’t “cool” enough and my clothes weren’t from Charlotte Russe, or Abercrombie and Fitch or where ever the cool kids were getting there clothes from back then. Those brands didn’t make my size. I was called fat and ugly, and that’s how I felt. I wore baggy clothes. I was shy and pretty much kept to myself for the most part. I came home and ate my feelings. I was lonely. My close friends had boyfriends and it made me desperate for anyone to like me. I liked anyone I thought could maybe like me. But who could have liked me when I had no confidence and low self esteem?
It’s pretty sad how mean people are to you in high school. They treat others badly to make themselves feel better. One day during my senior year I had asked a boy to go to prom with me. He said yes and I really was excited. Then the next day a girl told me he didn’t really want to go with me, he just felt bad for me. So I decided later that day to tell him I changed my mind I wanted to go alone. I didn’t know if what she told me was true (she could have just been jealous because she didn’t have a date to the prom), but I didn’t want to take the chance of going to the prom with someone who didn’t want to go with me. So I went alone. I enjoyed myself, but I felt bad for being the only one of my friends without a date.
I started off high school in a size 16 and graduated in a size 20. Between the stress and pressures of school, the bullying, and the overwhelming depression I felt, and the only way I knew how to make myself feel better, its no wonder why I got so big. The really sad part is, I look back at pictures of myself in high school, and wish I still looked like that. When you look back at pictures of yourself at 200-220lbs and that looks GOOD to you, that is pretty pathetic. Unfortunately its true. I would be happy to be that weight again, because it would mean I wasn’t as big as I am now. There is only one way to get there, to continue on this adventure. See you all Sunday followers.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
If Hunger Is Not The Problem, Then Eating Is Not the Solution
This quote right here describes one of my biggest problems. I have been eating for all the wrong reasons for so long that sometimes I don’t know if I am eating a snack because I am hungry, or because I am bored. I still find myself grabbing a snack when I am upset, even though I stay within my WW points each day. I need to realize what I am doing and change it. Another quote I found this week was : “You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.” Which is exactly what I need to do. I need to replace the unnecessary eating with something else. Whether it be reading a book, or some sort of exercise, or chewing on a piece of gum. If I do all that and I really do feel hungry, then I can have a snack. A healthy one.
I did not reach my goals this week. I only lost 1lb and only worked out twice. I didn’t exercise as much because my husband was working late. I really need to do it when he isn’t here as well. I just enjoy it more when I do it with him but I need to get over it and do it anyway. Even if I have to wake up early before the kids are up and get it done.
Since I did not reach my goal this week I am very determined to reach it this week. My goal is to lose 4lbs. My other weekly goals will be to work out 6 times this week and to make sure I drink enough water. I decided that my goal for the year is to lose another 80lbs. In order to do that I need to lose about two pounds a week at least. If I work hard and eat right I know I can do it.
I did not reach my goals this week. I only lost 1lb and only worked out twice. I didn’t exercise as much because my husband was working late. I really need to do it when he isn’t here as well. I just enjoy it more when I do it with him but I need to get over it and do it anyway. Even if I have to wake up early before the kids are up and get it done.
Since I did not reach my goal this week I am very determined to reach it this week. My goal is to lose 4lbs. My other weekly goals will be to work out 6 times this week and to make sure I drink enough water. I decided that my goal for the year is to lose another 80lbs. In order to do that I need to lose about two pounds a week at least. If I work hard and eat right I know I can do it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
How Did I Get Here?
Hi Followers,
I have decided to add a mid-weekly section to my blog for when I feel I have some of the answer to this question.
It’s a question I have been pretending I didn’t know the answer to for a long time. How did I get here? Well obviously I ate my way here….but why? Well to start I guess I would say my father got me started, not that I am blaming him for me letting it go so far, but I think it started there. He bought tons of junk food. When I got upset he would give me a snack so that I wouldn’t cry anymore instead of just dealing with the problem. He loved us, but loved it more if we were quiet so he could read his paper and drink his beer. My father loved beer. He woke up every morning and the first thing he would do was open a can of Natural Ice Beer and drink it. He probably went through at least a 12 pack a day. He didn’t take me to my ballet classes or softball while my mom was working second shift which could have helped keep me from eating so much, or at least helped me burn off some of the calories! Although to be honest its probably a good thing he didn’t want to take me and my mom had to cancel them, because who wants someone who’s been drinking to drive them somewhere.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my father and miss him very much. I still wake up at night sometimes, crying for him, wishing he was still here on this earth with me. I just think that some of this may have steered me in the direction of over eating. Again I am not blaming him for every single pound I gained. I know I am the one who kept eating when I wasn’t hungry, I am the one who stuffed my face to make myself feel better. I am just trying to establish a time line for when I started eating for reasons other then I was hungry. My thinking is that If I talk about all the things that I believe got me to this point in my life, it will in turn help me keep going with my weight loss.
I have decided to add a mid-weekly section to my blog for when I feel I have some of the answer to this question.
It’s a question I have been pretending I didn’t know the answer to for a long time. How did I get here? Well obviously I ate my way here….but why? Well to start I guess I would say my father got me started, not that I am blaming him for me letting it go so far, but I think it started there. He bought tons of junk food. When I got upset he would give me a snack so that I wouldn’t cry anymore instead of just dealing with the problem. He loved us, but loved it more if we were quiet so he could read his paper and drink his beer. My father loved beer. He woke up every morning and the first thing he would do was open a can of Natural Ice Beer and drink it. He probably went through at least a 12 pack a day. He didn’t take me to my ballet classes or softball while my mom was working second shift which could have helped keep me from eating so much, or at least helped me burn off some of the calories! Although to be honest its probably a good thing he didn’t want to take me and my mom had to cancel them, because who wants someone who’s been drinking to drive them somewhere.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my father and miss him very much. I still wake up at night sometimes, crying for him, wishing he was still here on this earth with me. I just think that some of this may have steered me in the direction of over eating. Again I am not blaming him for every single pound I gained. I know I am the one who kept eating when I wasn’t hungry, I am the one who stuffed my face to make myself feel better. I am just trying to establish a time line for when I started eating for reasons other then I was hungry. My thinking is that If I talk about all the things that I believe got me to this point in my life, it will in turn help me keep going with my weight loss.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
"Failure Is The Opportunity To Begin Again More Intelligently"
Looking at my title for this blog, most would assume that I failed this week. Well, they would assume wrong. This title represents my past failures, and how I am learning from my mistakes and am now taking the right step forward. In the past I gave up easily, I wanted my weight loss to have quick results. To drop the pounds really fast and be done with it. That was the wrong mindset. Most people know it doesn’t work that way, I knew it didn‘t work that way. Wishful thinking I guess. It takes time and effort to lose weight. Things I wasn’t able to commit to before.
Like my blog title states, my past failures are helping me to begin my weight loss adventure more intelligently. That is what I see it as. An adventure. Trying recipes I wouldn’t think to try. Exercising moves I would never think to do. Losing weight and getting healthy and buying smaller sized clothes (well maybe not yet, but eventually).
This week was a good week. I worked out four times this week. We tried Sautéed Chicken with Capers and a healthier Sheppard’s Pie recipe which were very good. I started to post my blog on the Weight Watchers blog website as well. Thanks to my new supporters I was told about a new website www.Skinnytaste.com that is full of yummy new recipes that I can’t wait to try! The same person also suggested making other weekly goals other than losing weight as well, such as drinking more water, or exercising so many times that week. I thought this was a great idea and plan on adding that to my weekly to dos. I also plan on setting restrictions like no eating after 8 p.m.
I acceded my goal this week and lost 4lbs! As of today my total weight loss is 20lbs. When I started Weight watchers I measured my waist, bust, thighs, etc. and I am proud to say I lost 2 inches my waist, 3 inches in my bust, and 3.5 inches in my thighs. My goals for this week are to work out at least three times and to drink more water. My weight loss goal for this week is going to be three pounds again. That’s all for today’s blog. Hope you all come back next week!
Like my blog title states, my past failures are helping me to begin my weight loss adventure more intelligently. That is what I see it as. An adventure. Trying recipes I wouldn’t think to try. Exercising moves I would never think to do. Losing weight and getting healthy and buying smaller sized clothes (well maybe not yet, but eventually).
This week was a good week. I worked out four times this week. We tried Sautéed Chicken with Capers and a healthier Sheppard’s Pie recipe which were very good. I started to post my blog on the Weight Watchers blog website as well. Thanks to my new supporters I was told about a new website www.Skinnytaste.com that is full of yummy new recipes that I can’t wait to try! The same person also suggested making other weekly goals other than losing weight as well, such as drinking more water, or exercising so many times that week. I thought this was a great idea and plan on adding that to my weekly to dos. I also plan on setting restrictions like no eating after 8 p.m.
I acceded my goal this week and lost 4lbs! As of today my total weight loss is 20lbs. When I started Weight watchers I measured my waist, bust, thighs, etc. and I am proud to say I lost 2 inches my waist, 3 inches in my bust, and 3.5 inches in my thighs. My goals for this week are to work out at least three times and to drink more water. My weight loss goal for this week is going to be three pounds again. That’s all for today’s blog. Hope you all come back next week!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
An Empty Victory
This week has ended and I am going to be honest and say that I most definitely didn’t do enough. I only exercised once this week. I ate healthy and drank more water but had no motivation at all. If I had any junk food in the house at all, I probably would have eaten it.
Its starting again. Every once in a while I fall in this sort of depression where all I want to do is cry. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I do not deserve the good things I have. I feel like I don’t do enough for my family. Like my kids should have a better mother and my husband should have a better wife. I don’t know why I get this way sometimes. I know after I had Abby I was really depressed. That is how I gained 85lbs. Before going back to work I’d probably go to the store 2-3 times a week get some junk food, come home and eat it. All of it. Then I would cry. I wasn’t ever sure what was wrong with me. I know that some people can get the “baby blues” after you have a baby. I guess that’s what I had. With Eddie that didn’t happen, and I am very thankful for that, but I still randomly get depressed on occasion, and I am not entirely sure why.
Other than feeling that way. I did okay for this week I guess. I lost 3 pounds, so I did reach my goal for the week. It sort of feels like an empty victory since the only thing I did do was eat healthy. At least I did that. I am feeling more like myself today. So my goal again for this week will be to lose 3 more pounds. I know over the next couple of weeks my husband will be working a lot of hours. So I will have to try to push myself to exercise without him here. I know its going to be difficult but I also know I want to lose weight more than anything. Hopefully now that I am feeling better emotionally it will be easier to work out without my husband here. I just need to keep positive and remember why I am doing this. See you all again next week.
Its starting again. Every once in a while I fall in this sort of depression where all I want to do is cry. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I do not deserve the good things I have. I feel like I don’t do enough for my family. Like my kids should have a better mother and my husband should have a better wife. I don’t know why I get this way sometimes. I know after I had Abby I was really depressed. That is how I gained 85lbs. Before going back to work I’d probably go to the store 2-3 times a week get some junk food, come home and eat it. All of it. Then I would cry. I wasn’t ever sure what was wrong with me. I know that some people can get the “baby blues” after you have a baby. I guess that’s what I had. With Eddie that didn’t happen, and I am very thankful for that, but I still randomly get depressed on occasion, and I am not entirely sure why.
Other than feeling that way. I did okay for this week I guess. I lost 3 pounds, so I did reach my goal for the week. It sort of feels like an empty victory since the only thing I did do was eat healthy. At least I did that. I am feeling more like myself today. So my goal again for this week will be to lose 3 more pounds. I know over the next couple of weeks my husband will be working a lot of hours. So I will have to try to push myself to exercise without him here. I know its going to be difficult but I also know I want to lose weight more than anything. Hopefully now that I am feeling better emotionally it will be easier to work out without my husband here. I just need to keep positive and remember why I am doing this. See you all again next week.
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